VIDEOGASP!: August 2017

Sunday, 27 August 2017

Night Of Something Strange At Least

Director: Jonathan Straiton Writers: Jonathan Straiton, Ron Bonk Stars: Trey Harrison, Rebecca C. Kasek, Wayne W. Johnson Country: USA/Canada Language: English Release Date: 22 November 2016

"Something Strange..." begins by showing us the shoes of a night porter walking him to the morgue to do his work. Only when I say "his work", I don't mean to wipe the floor out of whatever a morgue floor can have, I mean "his work". That is to look for the most fresh looking corpse, pull it out, push it in, and fuck it to the death (if it was alive). Cornelius (corny name) is not just down on his knees, he is also down on his luck, because the body he is having non consensual sex with (?) is of an unknown identity, of unknown cause of death and infected by an unknown sexual transmitted disease. All these unknown that won't be known for the next ninety minutes or so.

(Cold feet, warm heart)

The unfortunate Cornelius will pay in blood and sperm his shallowness of not taking precautions while fucking the dead (well, they don't get pregnant, or do they?), because the genital necro-warts that he got from the deceased, will transform him into something like an undead, sex-maniac, guinea pig of a failed Viagra (that's why kids you should always take precautions whatever you fuck, dead or alive, man or animal, fruit or vegetable), with the sole purpose of passing on the virus with the most enjoyable way the STDs are transmitted, by fucking! Oh, and to devour the flesh of the living. His first victim is the closest person to him at the time of his transformation, his beloved mother, where after he pisses on her to mark his territory, he will rape her in a very sweet and tender mother and son love scene, before he rips out her uterus and gobble it up, probably because he would have read in the internet that it's very nutritious. As it's perfectly normal in situations like these, his brutally murdered mother will be resurrected with the same superpowers and the same holy purpose, to eat and fuck everything that has a pulse. All of the above are just the first five minutes of the movie and it's nothing compared to what happens next, the story goes from silly to insane and it never stops! The movie get's in elbows deep and never gets out.

(Nice dress, it really brings out your eyes!)

Along the way we will get to meet the main cast, a group of horny and annoying college kids on a road trip to wherever they can get laid and get drunk undisturbed. Until, of course, they get disturbed and for some gruesome reason, they'll have to stop in the middle of the night, to stay in a motel in the middle of nowhere. In the same middle of nowhere where all the sex-crazed, flesh-eating, living dead maniacs, will gather for the all-night orgy we paid to watch. The group of friends will find themselves swimming in a deep sea of rotten testosterone, fighting their way to dry land while keeping their holes inviolable, striking this evil where it hurts the most, in the balls.

(Kick in the balls, or pussy, whatever)

If "Jackass" were filming a horror movie, they would film something like that. The entire movie is a big nasty joke, with the slapstick comedy and gross-out scenes coming one after another. If you are an immature, senseless and uncultured person (which probably you are if you are reading this), who thinks that fart jokes and people's suffering are funny, then this movie is for you. There is no point of counting how many gags are happening in this movie with cocks, cunts, period blood, cum, farts, shit, piss, with blood and gore on top of it. Oh, I almost forget, and the most unbelievable scene of accidentally gay sex I've ever seen (you mean you've seen many?). This film is truly a feast for the eyes, the same eyes you'll feast upon after you've seen it.

(This movie is worth seeing in 3D)

The guys who made this adorable abomination have also made "She Kills" which from the trailer looks like it's one of the same but it leaps more to the comedy side than the horror of the "Night...". The film was shot at just $40.000 and has more gore and imagination than the most higher budget horror movies out there. Movies like that should be taken as an example by Rob Zombie before he introduces his next "most brutal movie I've ever done" while complaining about the budget of a couple millions (now you're just being mean).

(The trailer doesn't do justice to the movie)

(Cool poster, that font though...)

(When you're so hungry after a Slayer concert, that you dive head first into the chilli)

(...and then you run to the loo)

"Should I visit the dentist or the gynecologist?"

(And this is how you insert a catheter)

(Checking you babe's phone)

"That's for sending me dick picks"

(Mr. Fantastic)

"Two and a half out of three, I ate all the clotted cream"

Horror And Weird Music Videos (Pt.1)

I was thinking it should be fun (should be?) to post some music videos once in a while, that fits the blog's description "horror, weird and surreal". That's the first of many to come (very optimistic of you). I had to plunge my eyes into the cyberspace's trash dump to pick up the nastiest music videos I could find, but it's impossible for one man to unearth every abomination lurking underneath the web, so I'm waiting for your own suggestions of music videos that should not be seen (or heard).

Torture porn in all it's glory before it was cool, in the once worldwide banned Nine Inch Nail's infamous "Broken" DVD (click here to watch the full DVD). A collection of four music videos tied up together through a "snuff" movie. My favourite part is "Happiness In Slavery", where a masochist lays on a mechanical torture bed which begins the foreplay with needles, and end's up being a meat grinder that turns him into fertiliser for the garden under.

Nine Inch Nails: Happiness In Slavery (Uncensored) from Nine Inch Nails on Vimeo.

Funny, weird and scary looking people in this nightmarish video of Mr. Oizo's (Quentin Dupieux) "HAM", directed by Eric Wareheim, and the great John C. Reilly in the leading role. Great suff.

Mr.Oizo - HAM

Jake Gyllenhaal is a sociopathic murderer in a swordsman's outfit, who had enough of all these young and beautiful people having fun, dancing and falling in love. I sympathise.

The Shoes - Time To Dance

Fidlar are an awesome band and Nick Offerman is an awesome actor. What do we get if we combine them? An awesome video. In this video Nick is a carpenter until he's friend, shit, auto correct, he's fired! Then he's not (a carpenter) and he does what anyone would do in his place, he get's pissed drunk and he pisses upon the world, or at least as much of it as he can. At the beginning of the video, when he wears his goggles, he looks a lot like the singer of Red Fang (the one with the goggles), another awesome band.

Fidlar - Cocaine

A romantic video where a cute Miss kills and dismembers with a handsaw her beloved sweetheart, before she buries him in the garden, making him fertiliser for her beautiful flowers. Probably she is the one that built that torture bed we saw a few minutes ago.

Broken Social Scene - Sweetest Kill

A young man goes rampant during a paroxysm of hornynes and destroys everything he sees with his meat-hammer (when all you got is a hammer...), until he transmits the sex-driven disease to his fellow human beings, and they all start together the titty-booty-dickhead bangin'. Artistic.

DJ Snake, Lil Jon - Turn Down For What

A claymation horror music video created by Lee Hardcastle, that combines supernatural and excessive gore, with references to the Real Ghostbusters, The Thing and Super Mario (?).

Love Automatic - Nightmare

A revenge story with a Hammer Films atmosphere, where a supernatural mystical dog avenges the murder of a normal dog, from a hunter and his dog eating family.

Bodies Of Water - Under The Pines

This is the most brutal music video I have ever seen! And I have seen Necrophagia's "Through The Eyes Of The Dead", but for some reason "Through The Eyes..." feels more fun (you need a therapist). This is a gory as fuck music video that focuses on the reproductive organs ("as fuck") of both genders (what do you mean both? There is a whole spectrum of genders!). If you know a worst (or better, it depends who's watching) video please let me know. I wonder if the band members showed it (the video) to their mothers. Like "Hey mom, we made a video with the boys, do you wanna watch it?" - "Sure snuggle bunny! What is it about?" - "Male rape, double castration and forced gender reassignment!" - "Where did I go wrong with you?"

Cattle Decapitation - Forced Gender Reassignment

I couldn't end this post with the previous video, I had to wash up the taste of blood and shit out of your eyes, and what's a better way to do this from an animated 16bit fun video? There isn't. There is still sexual content and a rape going on in this video too, but it's much more light-hearted and family friendly (?).

Flairs - Truckers Delight

That's it, the first part of Horror And Weird Music Videos came to an end. If you know any videos that fit the description, feel free to leave a comment below.

Not Too Deep And Not Too Dark

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Treevenge With A Vengeance

Director: Jason Eisener Writers: Rob Cotterill, Jason Eisener Stars: Jonathan Torrens, Sarah Dunsworth, Maris Morgan Country: Canada Language: English Release Date: 7 July 2008

"Treevenge" is a modern cult classic, which has become something like a tradition to me. I watch it every year to make these holy days a little more tolerable and to get into the Christmas spirit as painlessly as possible. It’s one of my favourite shorts and one of my favourite Christmas movies in general (you got good taste, not). A 15-minute short film from the promising Jason Eisner, who directly after this directed one of the best homages to the horror-exploitation genre of the 70’s and 80’s, the "Hobo With A Shotgun". Those of you who haven’t watched it, watch it as soon as possible (I'd rather watch my feet).

You could say that "Treevenge" is based on true events (no, I can’t). Every year just before Christmas, a genocide happens in every Christian country of the world. Millions of firs are been viciously mutilated on the altar of profit. Entire generations are extinguished and their corpses are defiled, to decorate the houses of their murderers in the name of love and solidarity, which of course doesn’t exist just as the fact that they celebrate, a birth that didn't happened of a God that doesn't exist (shut up!).

"SHUT UP!"

The festive film begins with a bunch of chlorophyll-thirsty manic lumberjacks, slashing and cutting their way into a neighbourhood of firs. Small children, parents and grandparents are violently torn from their roots. Their screams of agony and the cries for mercy are answered only by the roar of the chainsaw. Of course, we see and listen all of this from the tree’s perspective (of course!), we are watching from their eyes (?) and listening from their ears (??). Another proof that plants have feelings, so I don't want to hear any more excuses from vegans, if you want to be called a human being (a Christian human being), you will only eat dirt!

The ugly trees are the lucky ones because they die first, escaping the humiliation of the trade. The pretty ones on the other hand, will leave their last breath of carbon dioxide after they suffer so much, that they’ll regret the moment they were sprouted. They will end up at the marketplace to be sold as inanimate objects, experiencing demeaning inspections by middle-class families of anthropomorphic creatures for an absurd ritual and it’s macabre recreation, for the entertainment of their carnal sprouts.

"Your place is inside the fireplace, not next to it"

This year things will be different though. On Christmas Eve a miracle will happen, the vengeful spirit of Christmas will possess the homes of Christian families, and in particular their Christmas trees. On Christmas day, when children gather under the balls (the Christmas balls) to open their presents, the trees will also give them a present, a slow, painful and above all funny death. The firs will get their hardwood revenge on literally everyone in the most festive way! What the trees have been through at the beginning of the film, the humans will at the end of it. Children, parents and grandparents will be torn apart in front of each other’s eyes.

"Eye for eye? Leg for a twig! "

Buckets of blood, dark humour, practical effects and a soundtrack straight from the 80’s, including the opening theme from Cannibal Holocaust! Blast from the past. Now that I mentioned Cannibal Holocaust, Elai Roth’s Green Inferno was such a disappointment. It wasn’t all bad, but it didn’t met my expectations at all, and the hype that was build around it just made it worse, what a missed opportunity to revive the cannibal sub-genre.

"We want to be a part of the remake trend too. Grow some balls …so that we can rip’ em off …with our teeth."

(The short film)

(Cool poster)

(Cool GIF poster)

(Optimistic New Year's greetings)

(The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit says, three out of three!)

Have yourself a little merry Christmas!

The Greasy Strangler Will Grease Your Mind

Director: Jim Hosking Writers: Toby Harvard, Jim Hosking Stars: Michael St. Michaels, Sky Elobar, Elizabeth De Razzo Country: USA Language: English, release date: 7 October 2016 (UK)

Elijah Wood isn't just a scary guy (?), he also likes scary movies. He is producer to many indie horror films (Cooties, A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night, Maniac, Open Windows, The Boy) and he even acts in some of them. The latest movie he produced is the "Greasy Strangler", Jim Hosking's debut. Hosking directed "G Is For Grandad" segment in "ABC’s Of Death 2" and his first feature film looks like Quentin Dupieux made a movie for Troma Entertainment.

The "Greasy Strangler" is not the horror comedy it was advertised, instead it’s a family movie, just a very fucked up one. It’s a father and son story that share a love-hate relationship of interdependence and competition. I recommend that all male readers should watch this movie with their fathers, or their sons, or both.

(This is how you should watch this movie)

Brayden is a middle-aged virgin with a slight mental retardation, that looks like a giant baby with premature ageing. He lives with his father "Big" Ronnie, a grumpy old man with the only thing making him differ from an even older woman is his long parsnip-shaped penis that he lets out hanging like a ripe fruit ready to fall, in every opportunity he sees fit. The son is taking care of his father by making him the greasiest, grossest looking breakfast possible every single morning, and the father is providing his son a roof above his big and ugly head which he threatens to remove with eviction whenever his breakfast is not greasy enough.

"Bon appetit"

As if it wasn’t bad enough that they live together, they also work together in the family business, a Disco walking tour, which the thing they do is to wear a pink outfit and walk around L.A. telling lies about famous Disco bands of the 70's. This is how their daily routine goes on until in one of the tours Brayden meets Janet, a girl so hot and spicy in taste and looks that made his salivary glands squirt like a fire hose in Hell. Something that "Big" Ronnie doesn’t like at all because he wants his son next to him, cooking bacon with bacon in bacon fat and not trying to eat Janet’s bacon. That's why he tries to seduce his son’s seducer with his meat-parsnip, and prove to his boy that all women are bad.

(Who can resist this?)

Let’s talk about the weird part now. Along with the daily activities of the love triangle, we watch the nightly activities of the "Greasy Strangler". A serial-killer who lurks in the narrow streets of the city and strangles innocent passers-by. A slimy creature so repulsive, that it looks as though your own diarrhoea came to life, so pissed-off that you dumbed it, that wants to strangle you with it’s bare hands (?). But when the strangler starts to strangle Brayden’s friends, the latter begins to suspect that the "Oily Choker" is his own father and decides to solve the mystery of the "Fatty Throttler".

"That’s what you get for watching movies like this"

How is a story like this going to end? Who’s gonna eat Janet’s bacon? Who is the killer and why? How long will you stay motionless wondering "What the fuck did I just watched?" after the closing credits? The "Greasy Strangler" is not the horror comedy it was advertised, instead it’s a family movie, just a very fucked up one, and by saying fucked up I mean surreal scenes that you can't tell what’s the meaning of. Funny scenes that are too disgusting to laugh, and disgusting scenes that are too funny to disgust. Weird repetitive dialogues and weird repetitive music that unfortunately gets stuck in your head. The "Greasy Strangler" is an unconventional, bizarre but enjoyable movie, worth seeing only for the experience, and worth recommending it to friends just to troll them.