Saturday, 23 June 2018

Adam Chaplin Is No Charlie

Directors: Emanuele De Santi, Giulio De Santi Writers: Emanuele De Santi, Giulio De Santi Stars: Emanuele De Santi, Valeria Sannino, Chiara Marfella Country: Italy Language: Italian Release Date: 31 October 2011

From the get go of Adam Chaplin (such a fitting name for a possessed superhuman maniac killer) you feel like you are inside an abattoir where the meat-mongers are having fun by playing football with the pig heads (this have really happened).
(A pig’s head, 2 teaspoons salt, 1 teaspoon pepper, 6 shallots, 2 heads garlic, 6 parsley sprigs, 6 thyme sprigs and, 2 cups Chardonnay and ½ cup brandy)

In the fictional city of Heaven's Valley things are far from heavenly when a psychotic mob boss called Dennis (such a fitting name for a deformed psychotic super-villain), decides to burn alive a poor woman in order to collect her whatever debt. Unfortunately for Dennis (fortunately for us), his two psycho sons and the corrupted police department that he owns, the poor lady's lover-boy is a beefcake, a beast, a very pissed-off vengeance thirsty Conan look-alike who will not hold back any punches (that's funny considering this movie) to collect the debt of his sweetheart's death from everyone responsible (or not, lets say from everyone that gets in his way). Plus he makes a deal with a cool little demon straight out of Ghoulies (what a ghoul little flick), who nests into a reversed cross-shaped wound in his back, gives him super strength and shows up when he wants to make fun of Adam's victims (as if their fate wasn't horrible enough).
"I got a killer joke"

The bad guy (the other bad guy) has superhuman powers too! Not granted from a demon but from a chemical cocktail he injects from a young age, cause of an accident he had that deformed him in such degree that he has to wear a creepy black mask with a reversed white cross on it (both antagonists have a reversed cross on them. It's  a deeply religious film) to make him look more attractive. Not very original but still bad-ass nevertheless.
"The kids in school were making fun of my face! Now they just make fun of my name"

Adam starts to interrogate every damn soul he crosses paths with to learn the whereabouts of Dennis and whatever response he gets from them, he makes their face look like an expired steak tartare dish. In the best-case scenario bones are breaking like twigs, jaws are ripped off and skulls are cracked open. In the worst-case someone will have to pick up the pieces from the walls with a tea-spoon. Like the scene where he lets the cops arrest him so he can interrogate a guy in the police department and literally transforms him into a human wall-tapestry.
(A smart and cheap way to decorate your living room wall and impress your friends)

When Dennis starts to feel Adam's breath on the back of his neck (that's gay) he sends his big gun to finish him off (that's even more gay), a lunatic hobo ninja-butcher who dresses up like the Ultimate Warrior (?!). Adam has to go through him, the S.W.A.T team and Dennis' two sons to reach Dennis himself for the final stage boss fight, in which you'll need an umbrella, a raincoat and a pair of wiper glasses if you wanna be able to watch what's happening through this blood tsunami that will hit your  screen.
"Sit in or take away?"

Adam Chaplin is a revenge horror film that surpasses any other of its kind in violence and gore. When I first watched it I was completely unaware of what it's about and I couldn't believe my eyes, it was such a pleasant surprise! An Italian body builder wrote, directed and starred (like another Stallone) in this fighting gorefest that looks like the baby between Riki-Oh: The Story Of Ricky and The Crow. The fighting sequences are influenced by Japanese Anime and Manga while the characters and their weird faces resemble more to western comics. The production team responsible for this little gem is Necrostorm (you'll probably know them already if you're a gorehound), they have a long list of insanely gory films and they've made quite a name of themselves in this sub-genre. The other films that I've watched from their catalogue are Hotel Inferno, Taeter City, Infidus and The Milden From Planet Xonader. In my opinion Adam Chaplin is the best of them and Hotel Inferno comes second, however I have high hopes for Hotel Inferno 2 : Cathedral Of Pain. I highly recommend this for some braindead entertainment.

(The trailer could have been so much better)

(The cool cover)

(The gay porn cover)

 "I stepped on my shoe lace"

 (Split personality)

 "Painting is my passion"

 "I'm fine!"

"Arnold approves"
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Friday, 20 April 2018

Terrifier Is Terrifically Terrifying

Director: Damien Leone Writer: Damien Leone Stars: Jenna Kanell, Catherine Corcoran, David Howard Thornton Official Sites: Official Facebook | Official Twitter Country: USA Language: English Release Date: 28 October 2017 (UK)

The last couple of months this face kept popping up on my dashboard increasingly often. Whatever social media, vlogs and blogs I follow I kept seeing this head starring back at me! It looked at me once, twice, it didn't took me long to give in to this beautiful smile and these seductive, playful eyes before I said to my self "fuck it, let's do this". I cracked open an ice cold Innis & Gunn and made my self some haggis with black pudding for a snack because all the clotted blood, heart, liver and lungs thats this flick had to offer me wasn't enough! A little something extra on top of this movie's daring delicacies, to add some more repulsion to the already repulsive viewing (it's a good thing) of the TERRIFIER!
(This face)

I've never had a thing for clowns, I always thought of them as a bad joke. They looked kinda sad to me, except in movies were they just seemed ridiculous. When I watched IT as a kid I barely remembered it, and when I watched it (ha!) again as an adult I thought it was just bad. As for Tim Curry's praised Pennywise let's say that it's the only funny clown I've ever seen. Don't get me wrong, Tim is a great actor but I will always remember him as the Darkness in Legend. When I watched IT's remake sometime ago I really enjoyed it (even though the bad CGI) but not so much as a horror film, more like as a dark tale for kids, Del Toro's style. Having said that, Terrifier looks like the IT for adults, but for the poor adults. Poor budget, poor script, poor acting, but rich sentiments for the good old slasher films we all loved during our childhood, where the hero of the story was always the schizomaniacal killer. Most of the attention has been given to what really matters on films like this, to practical effects (grandpa's traditional handmade gore recipes) and the creation of a loveable sadisturbing, spine-chilling creepfest of a psycho killer who will make you shit your pants (from dread, or from laughs, doesn't matter, shitting your pants is the evaluation measure). Even himself takes a dump at some point of the movie (seriously)!
(Street artist)

The story is very simple (less is more), so simple that Damien Leone (director/writer) could have written it on a pack of smokes (not bad, that's how Bukowski started), "a guy is after a girl", it has it all, romance, suspense and drama. But let's get into it a bit more (from a pack of smokes to a napkin). Two lassies completely wasted after a Halloween night out are staggering down the road looking for a chippy to sober up with grease before they drive safely straight into a car crash. On their way to the Kebab place they stumble across another Halloween geek, dressed as a clown/mime/harlequin something, standing there like a creepy perv, with his mouth watering, gawking at their tits. Boys will be boys, and girls will be girls, so they don't have a second thought before they start teasing the poor fella who looks like a deranged sex offender child molester at least. Probably he is just a jack o' lantern pumpkin fucker freak. What can he do? I mean except his overwhelmingly respond to their flirting by following them into Ali's Chippy & Kebab and buying them burgers, donner and ribs, not of a lamb's but of any poor man's had the misfortune to be passing by.
(Tonight's special, freshly carved flamed head)

From that point on we are watching a repetitive hide and seek between the clown and the girls, which could have been boring if there weren't any more passersby at the right place at the right time to amuse the clown and ourselves with their gory deaths, and if the clown himself wasn't such a captivating sight to behold. Thankfully Terrifier is a one man's show, so the clown has plenty of screen time .
"Can't get enough of me"

The creator of Art the clown (yeah, that's his "stage" name) is working on this monsterpiece for sometime now. His first try was the short film Terrifier, and then the horror anthology All Hallows' Eve in which the short film is part of it, plus some extra scenes. The clown wasn't as good as it is in Terrifier and generally I didn't enjoy All Hallows' Eve so much. Except one scene that I really liked where two little children lose their heads! For some reason it's a rare thing in horror films to watch kids and pets been tortured and killed, so when it happens I really appreciate it. Terrifier might not have kids and dogs but it has a scene worthy of an Oscar nomination, which is similar to another Oscar worthy scene from Bone Tomahawk. If you've watched it you probably know which scene I'm talking about.
(That's what I'm talking about)

Long story short, I really enjoyed this flick and I'm hoping for a sequel. Art the clown is the scariest clown I've seen on screen, and if you're into clowns (in any way) you should definitely give this a watch, but have in mind that it's not meant for the mainstream horror fan. It's a splatter b-movie VHS looking film that has some really good moments but some really cheesy ones too.
(Terrifying trailer)

(This one goes for the DVD cover)

(This one goes up the wall!)

"It's a selfie, why don't you smile for a sec? What kind of a clown are you?"

"I'm not a clown but I can smile for you all night long"

"I loved it"
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Monday, 16 April 2018

Horror And Weird Music Videos (Pt.2)

The weather got a little warmer here in Edinburgh and I found an excuse to cool my self a little bit by diving in a sewage sludge of nauseous sounds and repugnant images. Here is what I came up on surface with! It's time for another HWMV! Are you ready to dance? Let's get started.

Do you like massage? Do you find it relaxing although sometimes painful? Well, here is a massage for your eyes and ears,  but only the painful part. Welcome to Ultima II Massage, the finest massage parlour in town (I wonder which town is that).

Tobacco - Streaker

The only thing David Lynch does in his life is fucking with our heads through short films, long films, TV series, commercials and music videos. Have you read Header (I wish I haven't) ? He is that guy but in a metaphorical sense. Here is one of his own fucked up videos for his own fucked up music. A group of kids having barbecue in the backyard, nothing sketsy here, just having some nonsensical fun David's way.
David Lynch - Crazy Clown Time

A dry cleaner with a late night hobby. Cleaning clothes at day time, cleaning out people at night. It's a brilliant music video / thriller short film by Todd Cole.
Liars - No.1 Against The Rush

This traumasterpiece is not exactly a music video but an excerpt from a porn - horror - comedy - musical (?) of 1984! Driller: An Erotic Thriller. It's not like the Rocky Horror Picture Show shit, this is actually fun! But I have to warn you, this video is NSFW! It contains images of a werewolf's dick! A long, black, revolving dick!
Driller: An Erotic Thriller

I've mentioned Necrophagia in the previous post of HWMV but I had preferred Cattle Decapitation's  Forced Gender ReAssignment at the time. Well, now it's Necrophagia's turn. This is not just one music video, it's the entire Through The Eyes Of The Dead compilation of music videos, which is also an anthology of creepy, disturbing, and splatterish gory short films.

Necrophagia - Through The Eyes Of The Dead

Lyrics: "You blocked me on Facebook, now you're going to die". Life imitates art since this kind of crazies exist next door, or next profile! Watch who you're adding kids, and who you're blocking of course.
Knife Party - Internet Friends

Cheerful little song about incestuous love between twins! Family comes first and nobody is going to love you more than your own blood, so why give it to a stranger? Right or wrong, who's to judge?
Le Sexoflex - Twincest

A music video inside a music video, in a children's TV show. If this happens in real life the kids would love it, they would go nuts (more than usual). I was in a playground full of little children the other day and I thought I was in a mental asylum. The children were constantly behaving like lunatics  on cocaine. However, they could communicate perfectly with each other! So scary.

Pacifist - Happiness

The beginning and the ending of a beautiful relationship. The outcome of love, the miracle of birth, the fruit of the love of a young woman and of a ...well whatever the fuck this abominable abomination is.

Tesseract - Singularity

In the previous HWMV I started with Trent Reznor, now I'm going to finish with his wife. How To Destroy Angels is Trent's wife musical project and the video is directed by their best man, it's a family business. The couple is playing themselves bleeding and burning alive. Pretty village, pretty flame.

How To Destroy Angels - The Space In Between

Another Horror And Weird Music Videos came to an end. If you know any videos that fit this category let me know, alright? So, until next time, take care and stay weird.
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Wednesday, 11 April 2018

Gun Woman Carries A Baby Gun

Director: Kurando Mitsutake Writers: Kurando Mitsutake, Chiaki Yanagimoto Stars: Jennifer Mullaney, Matthew Floyd Miller, Dean Simone Country: Japan Language: English | Japanese Release Date: 29 May 2014

Quick word. There is this weirdo who makes his girlfriend avenge the rapist, then murderer, then rapist again, of his ex-girlfriend! After he washes her brains out and rips her ...muscles through an intense tormentraining he transforms her to the ultimate sex-slav ...oops sorry, I meant the ultimate killing machine. And all of that because he is too much of a pussy to just go and shoot the guy himself.

Gun Woman is a Japanese revenge movie written and directed by Kurando Mitsutake, it has an insane plot, blood by the gallon and lots of JAV (Japanese Adult Video). The leading actress(Asami) is (big in Japan) a star of the genre and has starred to Machine Girl (watched it, you should too!), Robogeisha, Mutant Girls Squad, Erotibot and many other fun titled flicks. The actor playing the rich sadist killer rapist necrophile cannibal is the meowing boy from Ju On (just kidding, he just looks a lot like him).

Quicker word. Watch it if you are a fan of this sub-genre, or if you just wanna have fun with gore and nudity, only. Don't watch it if you don't want to know what a pistol magazine can load except from a pistol.
(Dramatic trailer)

 (Killing poster)

 "Shit, I forgot my tampons again"



(Sasha approves)
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Saturday, 7 April 2018

Forklift Driver Klaus – The First (And Last) Day On The Job

Directors: Stefan Prehn, Jörg Wagner Writers: Jörg Wagner, Stefan Prehn Stars: Konstantin Graudus, Gustav Adolph Artz, Jürgen Kittel Country: Germany Language: German Release Date: 30 March 2002 (UK)

Claus (not Kinski) just got his forklift driving licence and he's excited on his first day at work. Unfortunately for him and his colleagues he's going to fuck this up so bad that his first day is also going to be his last (I guess). He, and everybody else, are going to learn a lesson in violence that safety rules are there for a reason, no matter how boring, stupid, or minor they sound.
"But I did everything by the book!"

Forklift Driver Klaus – The First Day on the Job (Staplerfahrer Klaus - Der erste Arbeitstag) is a huge value short-film which makes fun with the worst way (meaning the best) of some old educational videos about safety at work. You know, the kind of oversimplified common sense videos that companies show to their labour instead of proper training, so they won't mangle themselves in the workplace, cost more money and give the brand a bad name.

This bloody short-film it's so good at what it does that before the shit hits the fan it really convinces you that it is indeed an 80's work safety instruction video for forklift drivers. Of course when heads start to roll and guts start to fall, you might suspect that it might not be a legit safety video. However, the legend has it that although the film is a parody, some German instructors (who else?) are often show the film during their lessons to ...lighten the mood (I'd like to see the look on their students' faces).

(Watch this for your own safety)

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Thursday, 8 March 2018

Knock Knock Knocking At The Devil's Door

Director: Nicholas McCarthy Writer: Nicholas McCarthy Stars: Ashley Rickards, Nick Eversman, Michael Massee IMDb Rate: 4.8/10 Country: USA Language: English Release Date: 8 August 2014 

Scumbag 'boyfriend' takes advantage of his naive girlfriend by dragging her stupid ass to a trailer-park trailer in the middle of fucking nowhere, to meet his 'uncle' and play a completely innocent game with him, for an exchange of five hundred bucks. Sounds legit right? In fact, he is delivering her like a sacrificial lamb to a bunch of devil worshipers to make her a vessel for Satan, or something.
"Don't worry, my uncle is rich and classy"

She goes like a dummy and does everything she's been told to for an easy buck. Who wouldn't? She didn't do anything crazy, just played cards with a dirty old man and went to a crossroad to say "I do" (like Ralph Macchio in Crossroads). What could go wrong? They were probably bullshittin' her anyway, what could she possible lose? I mean except from her soul! Unfortunately for her (fortunately for Satan) the devilmen weren't joking around, they were the real thing and as soon as the wee lassie goes home to take off her shoes, put on her headphones to listen some lame pop music, BAM! Her vessel fills straight up!
"I do, whatever"

After some time, (it's not clear how long) the house of the teenage girl is for sale and we meet another naive girl this time, a real estate agent, who is just doing her job, making an inventory for an abandoned creepy property, when she accidentally discovers Satan's five hundred dollars and the paranormal shit begins! From that moment on the story unfolds by showing us what is going on with the real estate girl, her sister, and through flashbacks the teenage girl's story we met at the beginning. I can't say anything else without spoiling it because what matters in this film is the story, it changes directions often, it takes you somewhere and then takes a turn and takes you somewhere else. It's like the director's (Nicholas McCarthy) previous movie The Pact (you should definitely check it out) which also relies on twists and dark atmosphere. The unsettling feeling through out the movie, the slow pace and the relatively complicated story that doesn't spoon feeding you all the answers and keeps you in the dark like the characters of the film is what makes this movie so effective.

(Standard trailer, nothing special but better from the uncle's)

(The poster is just ok, could have been better)

 "He is behind me, isn't he?"

(Something bad is gonna happen when the kettle is whistling!)

"Our supernatural pilates will leave your body out of this world!"

 (After the supernatural pilates)

 "My horoscope said that today I'll meet an Aries!"

"Two out of three, not bad"
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Monday, 26 February 2018

The Devil's Candy Is Sweeter

Director:  Writer:  Stars: ,  ,   Country: USA Language: English Release Date: 17 March 2017 (USA)

When you move into a house that you know that there has been a murder, and you listening to metal all day long, hanging Ghost posters on the walls and drawing reversed crosses, you're asking for it..
"Not even a poster of Madonna, or Wham, or Michael Jackson?"

The movie begins with a fat bald manchild (yeah, body shaming, thats who I am) playing a Flying V, in the middle of the night as loud as it can be, to silence the voice in his mind that keeps telling him EAT THAT PIE (how cool is that?)! After he wakes up his mother from her slumber, she immediately starts the "Are you crazy boy (duh)? Stop playing with it (the guitar), or I'll call the men in white to come and take you back to the looney bin", so he shoves it up her ass (the guitar), he brings it down on her face (the amp), and he keeps playing with it (the guitar). Don't get excited, unfortunately  that didn't happen, I just made this up. That would happen if it was my script and the movie would have been an instant classic. But let's say that he might not stopped the voices in his head, but he managed to stop the voice of his mother (hear that Norman?)
"And now I'm gonna perform my greatest hit, Eat That Pie"

After that first dark scene that sets the tone of the film, we meet our heroes on a more light and optimistic atmosphere. A metalhead artist (get a haircut and a real job type), his lame wife and their also metalhead daughter. A loving family of three trying to live the American dream (fortunately for us, they're going to live a nightmare instead)  by moving in a big house on the lea. Which by coincidence is the house that the big bald heavy (ha!) metal psychopath we met earlier used to live. In a big house that as long the mother is at work, because someone has to pay the bills of this family, the hipster daddy is all day in the basement playing with his ...brush, until he also starts to listen a voice in his head, and the fun begins!
"Where are you taking us daddy?" - "To Hell!"

Every time the father sits down to paint, he loses track of time, falls into a trance and starts painting like he is hypnotised (or possessed), and when he finally wakes up from paint-tripping he has painted the cover of the new Slayer album not remembering how, when, or why. The guy is increasingly falling into this state more and more often and he blindly fails to see that his wife and daughter need him now more than ever as they all start to sink into the pits of Hell and it will not be long before the fat guy with the flying V comes knocking on their door to start a band with their daughter to play Stairway To Heaven backwards.
"Excuse me, do you have a moment to talk about our lord and saviour Lucifer?"

The fat guy who is now roaming free from the looney bin, has completely surrendered to the bitching of the voice and has become Satan's delivery-boy because his only job is to deliver candy to the devil, and by saying candy he means little girls (how creepy is that?). The metal father (who looks a bit like Jesus with his beard and long hair and been half naked in half of the movie) will have to stand against the delivery guy of Hell (who looks a bit like a cartoon devil with his bald head and fat belly, wearing a red tracksuit all the time) but also against himself if he wants to save his daughter from becoming the devil's candy.
"He said I was really sweet, how am I supposed to know what he meant?"

2009 was the year that the Loved Ones was released, Sean Byrne's directorial debut. A very impressive horror movie (especially for a debut) with a fun and original story, good cinematography and acting, and placed Sean under my horror radar, but unfortunately I never heard of him again until 2016 when I accidentally stumbled upon a new indie horror film called The Devil's Candy and I noticed that the writer and director was Sean. This is his second film and it is as good if not better as the Loved Ones. He left behind the Valentine's Day, the psycho families and the torture porn of the Loved Ones and he started working on haunted houses (like the The Amityville Horror), Satanic cults and psychological horror. This time he took the slow burn approach and created a dark and disturbing film without any physical violence and gore (there is plenty of red paint, which is the same thing) but with characters you care about and with a constant sense of dread from the first until the last scene. Along with the atmospheric cinematography and the soundtrack that includes oldies but goodies heavy metal hits, the Devil's Candy is what the title says, a candy for horror and metal fans (likewise Deathgasm was a birthday cake). Along with The VVitch the Devil's Candy are the best Satanic movies I've seen in years (the last good one was At The Devil's Door), but of those two the Devil's Candy was the real treat.

The evil oversized baby is played by the always pleasant to watch Pruitt Taylor Vince, and the metal dad by Ethan Embry which I've seen him in many cool movies like Cheap Thrills, Convergence, Vacancy and also the Walking Dead (he was playing Carter). Besides being unrecognizable in this film (not just because of the wig), he also played it real good (the part). The mum is also a known face, mostly from TV, but here her character is mainly supporting, whether she was on screen or not was kinda the same thing, so I'm not going into the process of making references, I also have to go, I wanna eat, sleep, wake up and eat again.

(Cool posters)

"What is that? Blood or just paint?"

"Muuum! Come and see what I drew"

(It looks like the girl on the painting is pulling her hair out looking at the guy in his sweaty boxers)

(Slipknot's guitarist without his mask)

(Any resemblance to actual persons, or actual events is purely coincidental)

"Two and a half out of three because there was no gore"
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