VIDEOGASP!

Tuesday, 15 August 2017

Treevenge With A Vengeance

Director: Jason Eisener Writers: Rob Cotterill, Jason Eisener Stars: Jonathan Torrens, Sarah Dunsworth, Maris Morgan Country: Canada Language: English Release Date: 7 July 2008

"Treevenge" is a modern cult classic, which has become something like a tradition to me. I watch it every year to make these holy days a little more tolerable and to get into the Christmas spirit as painlessly as possible. It’s one of my favourite shorts and one of my favourite Christmas movies in general (you got good taste, not). A 15-minute short film from the promising Jason Eisner, who directly after this directed one of the best homages to the horror-exploitation genre of the 70’s and 80’s, the "Hobo With A Shotgun". Those of you who haven’t watched it, watch it as soon as possible (I'd rather watch my feet).

You could say that "Treevenge" is based on true events (no, I can’t). Every year just before Christmas, a genocide happens in every Christian country of the world. Millions of firs are been viciously mutilated on the altar of profit. Entire generations are extinguished and their corpses are defiled, to decorate the houses of their murderers in the name of love and solidarity, which of course doesn’t exist just as the fact that they celebrate, a birth that didn't happened of a God that doesn't exist (shut up!).

"SHUT UP!"

The festive film begins with a bunch of chlorophyll-thirsty manic lumberjacks, slashing and cutting their way into a neighbourhood of firs. Small children, parents and grandparents are violently torn from their roots. Their screams of agony and the cries for mercy are answered only by the roar of the chainsaw. Of course, we see and listen all of this from the tree’s perspective (of course!), we are watching from their eyes (?) and listening from their ears (??). Another proof that plants have feelings, so I don't want to hear any more excuses from vegans, if you want to be called a human being (a Christian human being), you will only eat dirt!

The ugly trees are the lucky ones because they die first, escaping the humiliation of the trade. The pretty ones on the other hand, will leave their last breath of carbon dioxide after they suffer so much, that they’ll regret the moment they were sprouted. They will end up at the marketplace to be sold as inanimate objects, experiencing demeaning inspections by middle-class families of anthropomorphic creatures for an absurd ritual and it’s macabre recreation, for the entertainment of their carnal sprouts.

"Your place is inside the fireplace, not next to it"

This year things will be different though. On Christmas Eve a miracle will happen, the vengeful spirit of Christmas will possess the homes of Christian families, and in particular their Christmas trees. On Christmas day, when children gather under the balls (the Christmas balls) to open their presents, the trees will also give them a present, a slow, painful and above all funny death. The firs will get their hardwood revenge on literally everyone in the most festive way! What the trees have been through at the beginning of the film, the humans will at the end of it. Children, parents and grandparents will be torn apart in front of each other’s eyes.

"Eye for eye? Leg for a twig! "

Buckets of blood, dark humour, practical effects and a soundtrack straight from the 80’s, including the opening theme from Cannibal Holocaust! Blast from the past. Now that I mentioned Cannibal Holocaust, Elai Roth’s Green Inferno was such a disappointment. It wasn’t all bad, but it didn’t met my expectations at all, and the hype that was build around it just made it worse, what a missed opportunity to revive the cannibal sub-genre.

"We want to be a part of the remake trend too. Grow some balls …so that we can rip’ em off …with our teeth."

(The short film)

(Cool poster)

(Cool GIF poster)

(Optimistic New Year's greetings)

(The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit says, three out of three!)

Have yourself a little merry Christmas!

Sunday, 13 August 2017

The Greasy Strangler Will Grease Your Mind

Director: Jim Hosking Writers: Toby Harvard, Jim Hosking Stars: Michael St. Michaels, Sky Elobar, Elizabeth De Razzo Country: USA Language: English, release date: 7 October 2016 (UK)

Elijah Wood isn't just a scary guy (?), he also likes scary movies. He is producer to many indie horror films (Cooties, A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night, Maniac, Open Windows, The Boy) and he even acts in some of them. The latest movie he produced is the "Greasy Strangler", Jim Hosking's debut. Hosking directed "G Is For Grandad" segment in "ABC’s Of Death 2" and his first feature film looks like Quentin Dupieux made a movie for Troma Entertainment.

The "Greasy Strangler" is not the horror comedy it was advertised, instead it’s a family movie, just a very fucked up one. It’s a father and son story that share a love-hate relationship of interdependence and competition. I recommend that all male readers should watch this movie with their fathers, or their sons, or both.

(This is how you should watch this movie)

Brayden is a middle-aged virgin with a slight mental retardation, that looks like a giant baby with premature ageing. He lives with his father "Big" Ronnie, a grumpy old man with the only thing making him differ from an even older woman is his long parsnip-shaped penis that he lets out hanging like a ripe fruit ready to fall, in every opportunity he sees fit. The son is taking care of his father by making him the greasiest, grossest looking breakfast possible every single morning, and the father is providing his son a roof above his big and ugly head which he threatens to remove with eviction whenever his breakfast is not greasy enough.

"Bon appetit"

As if it wasn’t bad enough that they live together, they also work together in the family business, a Disco walking tour, which the thing they do is to wear a pink outfit and walk around L.A. telling lies about famous Disco bands of the 70's. This is how their daily routine goes on until in one of the tours Brayden meets Janet, a girl so hot and spicy in taste and looks that made his salivary glands squirt like a fire hose in Hell. Something that "Big" Ronnie doesn’t like at all because he wants his son next to him, cooking bacon with bacon in bacon fat and not trying to eat Janet’s bacon. That's why he tries to seduce his son’s seducer with his meat-parsnip, and prove to his boy that all women are bad.

(Who can resist this?)

Let’s talk about the weird part now. Along with the daily activities of the love triangle, we watch the nightly activities of the "Greasy Strangler". A serial-killer who lurks in the narrow streets of the city and strangles innocent passers-by. A slimy creature so repulsive, that it looks as though your own diarrhoea came to life, so pissed-off that you dumbed it, that wants to strangle you with it’s bare hands (?). But when the strangler starts to strangle Brayden’s friends, the latter begins to suspect that the "Oily Choker" is his own father and decides to solve the mystery of the "Fatty Throttler".

"That’s what you get for watching movies like this"

How is a story like this going to end? Who’s gonna eat Janet’s bacon? Who is the killer and why? How long will you stay motionless wondering "What the fuck did I just watched?" after the closing credits? The "Greasy Strangler" is not the horror comedy it was advertised, instead it’s a family movie, just a very fucked up one, and by saying fucked up I mean surreal scenes that you can't tell what’s the meaning of. Funny scenes that are too disgusting to laugh, and disgusting scenes that are too funny to disgust. Weird repetitive dialogues and weird repetitive music that unfortunately gets stuck in your head. The "Greasy Strangler" is an unconventional, bizarre but enjoyable movie, worth seeing only for the experience, and worth recommending it to friends just to troll them.